Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
