the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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