Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize