how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
