dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
