Plan B is the new Plan A
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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