how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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