Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
