I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do vagina's smell?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
