You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
