I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize