I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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