Please, let me fuck your mom
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
