Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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