the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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