WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
