Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize