Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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