So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
