I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He shit in the fireplace
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