one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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