i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i think i have herpe
just one?
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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