probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
