if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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