Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
