Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
