i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
