I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
