i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
