This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
