i love accidental penises.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
