we should wear snuggies to the strip club
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
