Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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