someone threw a dead crab at me
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
