I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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