I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize