My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
