sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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