When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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