So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
