I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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