When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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