Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I need to align my fucking chakras
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
