she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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