If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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