so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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