ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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