WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
