I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize