Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Randomize
