You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize
