some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
