you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
