looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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